To be alone or not to be alone?

I get that being alone is something we have to get used to bc we can’t rely on anyone. They could be here now but not forever so at some point, you’ll have to deal with your shit alone. I’ve never been by myself mainly because all the thoughts and emotion will come rushing all at once and many times i would just freeze and feel so helpless.

At this point, I feel like i’m used to it. I would get nightmares every night and won’t be able to sleep back after. There’s no escape but to go through this phase where on the other side, it’s all happiness. My point is, i can be alone if i want to and the reason why i’m not doing it is because if i get used to it, i’ll want to be by myself all the time to the point where i’ll push people away. I can’t do that because that’s not who i am and those that knows me, know that i don’t like being quiet. I’m always active and making stupid jokes but if i’m quiet and i push people away, they might get pissed at me at some point (which i still don’t understand why). It makes me feel like my feelings aren’t valid and i’m always the wrong one (something that i’m already used to.)

The debate i have in my head every day is do i isolate myself completely or do i pretend to be happy, fake my smile, when i’m actually dying inside? The debate will never be end.